Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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