thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
