and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
