im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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