so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
