I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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