A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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