I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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