HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I would ride that face into the sunset
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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