I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
