i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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