Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
