i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
