I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
