I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
