Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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