Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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