my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize