My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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