: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
