From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
