walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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