pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
