I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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