Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
