i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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