I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
