One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
