You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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