So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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