Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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