38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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