Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
