Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
