I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The best revenge is premature balding
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
