FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
