shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
