i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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