SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
