You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
