He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
