It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Two words: blizzard sex
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
