my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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