Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You took a bar mat shot.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
