in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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