I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
