just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
