I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
we should paint friendship bongs
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