i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
