Umm I'm too high to move.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
