One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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