That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
