he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
