oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
