he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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