well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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