smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
