she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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