We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
