I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i used baking grease as lip gloss
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
