I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
