I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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