ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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