When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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